I am usually not surprised by anything my clients or their families share with me. Today is an exception! A client's parent arrived to inform me that my client would not be able to keep his appointment this afternoon because his mother died unexpectedly a few days ago. I was stunned and the shock paralyzed me for about two minutes! I was speechless! The last time we talked she was ready to go on vacation. After exchanging how everyone is doing, offering a shoulder at any time, and assessing how my client is doing, I could only offer my time--any time they needed it. What does one do next? Do you become the family's counselor? All of them are grieving, not only your client?
Here is my suggestions for my colleagues to help a client who has lost a parent.
Your client, no matter if 10, 20, 30, 40 or 60 years old, may feel vulnerable and abandoned. Childlike tears and feelings of being "lost" may surface. Mom has always been there in his/her life.
A sense of shorten future and a sense of their own mortality with no desire to live life with their parent gone. They can't imagine life without them.
A real lack of support if your client is an adult. Other may share thoughts..."they were old...they lived a good life...think of the good they did in the world." It still doesn't "feel" fair to the client!
A loss of what they will miss in the future about their parent. He won't be there to see my graduate or walk me down the aisle at my wedding. She won't be able to enjoy her grandchildren.
Encourage your client to take the time to feel the emotions of the loss. Rationalizations, like it was "inevitable or everybody dies" is a way to push away the grief and not helpful in the healing process.
Each person mourns loss in a different way. Respect and consideration that there is no one right way is important.
Communication with siblings about the loss is essential. They lost their parent too. Although everyone remembers their parent somewhat differently, each one of your siblings has had a personal loss.
Seeking professional help can be helpful to guide you through the loss. A trusted friend can also act as a sounding board for your feelings. They don't have to have experienced the same loss to understand your pain.
Help them find an acceptable way to remember their parent. A charitable donation, planting a tree or flowers, or help them develop a permanent memorial at their parents college or place of work.
Help them decide how their spirituality can help them during this tough time. They have inner resources to guide them, and help them make sense of life.
Encourage them to find ways to remember their parent and the sense they are still with them. Theirr parent will live through them.
So next...
How does a counselor help a family when the counselor is experiencing grief too? Do you push away the grief and prioritize their needs for now? Can you cross your personal touch boundary and hug them in consolation? Do you attend the funeral? Visitation? Do you take a dish?
We have to feel our own grief and in our own time we must feel it too. Although we are counselors, we have feelings too. It's OK to feel awful about the loss. A balance of pushing away and helping is needed here. This would be the time to consider it acceptable to offer an appropriate hug or touch. The funeral is a public ceremony--now, it is one of personal choice. You don't want your client to feel uncomfortable, nor do you want to present yourself as an uncaring person. It really depends on your comfort level. A dish taken to their home does offer some comfort in a private way and in this part of the country, it is acceptable for anyone to drop by and offer condolences.
Whatever you decide if this happens to you...remember you are human too and it's normal to feel sadness and loss.
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